How to Understand Your Past? The True Cause of Trauma - Dr. Agnieszka Kozak

Both Kozak and the host reference the Socratic triple filter (sometimes called the three sieves). Kozak frames it as a practical daily tool for nonviolent communication. The host recites it as 'czy to jest potrzebne, czy to jest serdeczne, i czy to jest prawdziwe' (is it necessary, is it kind, and is it true). Kozak connects this to the broader theme of how words create worlds: 'słowami tworzymy światy' (with words we create worlds). Every utterance either builds a 'świat miłości' (world of love) and bestows 'błogosławieństwo' (blessing), or builds a 'świat walki' (world of conflict) and casts a 'przekleństwo' (curse). The three gates are the threshold that determines which world you're building.

Kozak explains that in the state of being 'zakochani' (in love), people naturally are 'uważni na siebie' (attentive to each other), noticing every mood, caring for each other's wellbeing. The goal is to bring that quality of attention into everyday life. Gratitude specifically structured as giver-gift-receiver makes the exchange concrete rather than vague. She ties this to the Polish cultural deficit: her generation was raised with 'źle siedzisz, krzywo siedzisz, za mało się uczysz' (you're sitting wrong, sitting crooked, not studying enough) and now unconsciously repeats these patterns with their own children. Gratitude is the antidote — it requires noticing and verbalizing what is good, which is a skill that must be deliberately cultivated.

Kozak shares the story of a patient who came to her in a state of 'jakby nieżycia' (as if not alive) — nothing brought him joy, everything was difficult. After long work, Kozak had an image of him 'owinięty w całun i zamknięty w jakimś pomieszczeniu' (wrapped in a shroud and locked in a room). She asked him to investigate what happened in his family before he was born. It turned out his parents conceived him while in deep grief and mourning after a significant death — he was a 'replacement' child. The patient realized: 'ja nie mogę mieć radości w życiu Bo ja jestem zanurzony w śmierci która się wcześniej wydarzyła' (I cannot have joy in life because I am immersed in the death that happened before). Kozak emphasizes that 'póki my nie rozumiemy tej historii tego scenariusza który gdzieś był pisany przez pokolenia... to my nie możemy się od tego uwolnić bo my po prostu te historie odtwarzamy' (until we understand this history, this script written across generations, we cannot free ourselves because we simply replay these stories).

Kozak observes that in the information age, 'głowy nam naprawdę dobrze pracują ale jak pytam ludzi co czujesz to mało kto potrafi powiedzieć' (our heads work really well, but when I ask people what they feel, few can answer). She now has clients who preemptively say 'błagam niech mnie pani nie pyta co czuję nie po to tu przyszedłem' (please don't ask me what I feel, that's not why I came). She argues this is not optional: 'jeżeli ja wiem co ja czuję to ja odkoduję te informacje Czego ja potrzebuję, jeżeli ja złapię Czego ja potrzebuję to to jest punkt wyjścia do tego żeby zaopiekować się sobą' (if I know what I feel, I decode the information about what I need; if I grasp what I need, that's the starting point for taking care of myself). Without this, people unconsciously meet emotional needs through food, alcohol, work, or other compulsions — she quotes an audience member: 'głodna bliskości szukam jej o 3 nad ranem' (hungry for closeness, I look for it at 3 AM in the fridge).

Kozak tells the story of a highly sensitive, talented teenage boy brought by his father from across Poland, clearly in a depressive episode with suicidal ideation. When she asked if he could talk to his parents about it, he said no — because 'moi rodzice mają swoje problemy i nie będę im zawracać głowy' (my parents have their own problems and I won't burden them) and 'oni Nie znoszą kiedy jestem smutny' (they can't stand when I'm sad). He was parentified — taking responsibility for his parents' emotions while also performing happiness at school ('zakłada na siebie ubranie tego który jest zadowolony'). Kozak argues that children need explicit permission to be sad: 'nie damy dziecku czegoś czego nie mamy w sobie, nie pozwolisz swojemu synowi na przeżywanie smutku jeśli nie pozwalasz sobie na niego.' She notes that the chapter on tears in her book is one of the most frequently cited by readers, suggesting widespread emotional deprivation around sadness.

Kozak explains that 'zaklęcie' functions like a self-fulfilling prophecy. When a parent tells a 3-year-old hiding behind their mother's legs 'Krzysio się wstydzi' or 'Krzysio boi się obcych,' they install a mental program: 'I am a fearful child.' The child then lives from that identity. She gives examples: 'musisz być dzielny' (you must be brave), 'musisz być samodzielny' (you must be self-reliant), and the particularly insidious 'jak będziemy dziecku mówić dobrze o nim to mu się w głowie poprzewraca' (if we say good things about the child, they'll become conceited). This last spell causes parents to withhold praise and only criticize, leaving children feeling worthless. Kozak connects this to her corporate clients — highly 'samodzielny' (self-reliant) executives who were parentified as children and are now emotionally disconnected adults who cannot rest or feel their emotions.

The story illustrates how children adapt to their parents' values at the cost of their authentic selves. The father, a high-level corporate director, had been involving his son in extreme sports and gym workouts, assuming his son shared his passion for achievement and power. When the exercise revealed the son's actual needs were closeness and acceptance, the father was 'zmieciony z planszy' (wiped off the board). The son's response revealed that he participated in these activities not out of genuine interest but because it was the only way to get his father's time and attention. Kozak uses this to illustrate her broader point about parents 'formatujący' (formatting) rather than 'formujący' (forming) their children — shaping them to fit the parent's template rather than supporting the child's unique potential.