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Building Strong Relationships: A Foundation of Successful Leadership | Matt Schneider

Gabrielle Lyon

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TL;DR

The four things you'd lose by not watching

3 items

TL;DR

The four things you'd lose by not watching

3 items

Former SWAT operator and US Marshals task force member Matt Schneider frames leadership around three pillars — health, wealth, and relationships — arguing that none of the three can be optimized in isolation, and that most high-achievers chronically under-invest in the relationships pillar.

Schneider's core operating principle: discipline is the bridge between the circumstances you have and the circumstances you want — not more information, not more motivation. The bottleneck is almost always action, not knowledge.

The biggest structural threat to a high-achieving couple is asymmetric personal development: when one partner pursues aggressive growth and the other does not, a widening gap produces resentment, then disconnection, and finally irreparable difference — often misread as an affair or incompatibility.

Protocols

Concrete recipes — what, when, how much, and why

5 items

Annual couples goal-setting weekend (off-site, just the two of you)

WhatLeave home for a full weekend — just the two partners, no kids. Set goals across three dimensions: individual goals for each person, shared couple goals, and family goals. Document them. Use the documented goals as the lens for joint decisions throughout the year.

WhenOnce per year, consistently. Schneider and his wife Kristen have done this every year.

DoseFull weekend away. No phones, no distractions. At minimum one full day dedicated to the goal-setting conversation itself.

For whomAny committed couple, especially entrepreneurial couples where individual ambition is high and misalignment risk is elevated.

WhyMost couples cannot accurately state their spouse's top three goals for the year. If you cannot articulate your partner's goals you cannot help them achieve those goals — meaning half the force-multiplication potential of the relationship is lost.

CaveatsRequires both partners to arrive willing to be honest about what they actually want — not what they think the other wants to hear. A coach or structured agenda can help in early iterations.

Schneider uses the Special Operations concept of 'force multiplier' to frame this: two aligned people with complementary zones of genius do not add — they multiply. The annual review is the mechanism that keeps the multiplier active by surfacing drift before it becomes a gulf.

Every year we do an annual goal setting meeting where just her and I we leave for the weekend and we determine what is it that we want to accomplish this year as a couple individually and as a family and that alignment is really really important.

Weekly non-negotiable date night (just the two of you, present)

WhatOne evening per week reserved exclusively for the couple — no phones, no kids, no business talk unless both want it. The activity matters less than the undivided attention: dinner, errands, a concert, a walk all qualify.

WhenWeekly, consistently. Schneider describes it as a non-negotiable rather than a nice-to-have.

DoseMinimum 2–3 hours of genuine, present time together. Schneider's example: a concert that was less memorable than the people-watching and connection.

For whomAny committed couple, especially those with kids, demanding work schedules, or in periods of high professional growth.

WhyThe relationship with your spouse is a two-part psychological system requiring regular co-regulation. Without dedicated connection time, the marriage slips into business-partner mode: calendar management, logistics, transaction — not intimacy or partnership.

Schneider frames this as a transition ritual: when you shift from work to family you give 100% of what you have to family. The date night is the formal, weekly marker of that transition. Without a formal marker, the transition becomes porous and the business (or other obligations) bleeds through.

I am a very firm believer that if you are not doing a weekly date night where it's just you and your spouse and you're connecting — whether it's just going to eat or it's going to run errands but it's intentionally you and them — you're missing out on a critical piece of being 100 dedicated to that relationship.

Enneagram assessment with coached debrief — individual then joint

WhatBoth partners independently take the Enneagram personality assessment, then each completes several coaching sessions alone with a certified Enneagram coach to understand their own lights and shadows. Then complete joint sessions where the coach facilitates a conversation about how each partner's patterns interact — particularly around conflict and emotional processing.

WhenAs early as possible in a committed relationship; also effective as a repair tool in established relationships that have recurring conflicts they cannot resolve.

DoseSchneider describes 'several sessions independently' then 'several sessions together.' Minimum investment is 4–6 hours total of coached sessions plus assessment time.

For whomAny couple, but especially those with recurring unresolved conflicts or different communication styles. Schneider notes both he and Gabrielle Lyon are Enneagram Type 8 with a 2 wing.

WhyWhat each partner needs during conflict is different. Without knowing your own conflict patterns and your partner's, you cannot give them what they need — meaning every conflict escalates beyond its actual scope. Knowing the patterns allows de-escalation before festering.

CaveatsRequires willingness to receive honest feedback about the 'shadow' side of your personality. A bad coach or a partner who is defensive in the joint sessions will undermine the benefit.

Schneider's chief of operations introduced him to the Enneagram as a tool for working together with her husband. The key value delivered in the joint sessions: each partner came away knowing exactly what the other person needs when they are not seeing eye to eye — and that knowledge was specific enough to use in real time. He credits the Enneagram work with helping the couple avoid conflicts altogether by recognizing early warning patterns.

Mechanism

The Enneagram maps nine personality types with associated core fears, core desires, and characteristic stress/growth patterns. The joint debrief translates these into relationship-specific behavioral predictions and conflict scripts.

We did several sessions independently with the gal that we hired to review our assessment and then coach us on it and then we did several sessions together where this coach talked to us and said Matt this is the lights and shadows of your personality Kristen these are the lights and shadows of yours and we walked through several different circumstances about conflict and the way in which Kristen processes things and the internal loops that she plays.

Mix (not balance): prioritize non-negotiables, be 100% present in each domain

WhatExplicitly list your non-negotiable priorities in ranked order. Edit or delete obligations that do not serve those priorities. When you are in a given domain — work, family, spouse — give it 100% of your attention with no phone and no mental carryover from the last domain. Transition fully between domains rather than attempting to blend them.

WhenOngoing daily operating principle; revisited during the annual goal-setting weekend to recalibrate priorities and audit what has been retained that should be deleted.

For whomEntrepreneurs, executives, and anyone with high demands in multiple life domains simultaneously.

WhyBalance implies net zero — no forward progress. High-achievers who want continuous improvement in all three pillars cannot do that by balancing; they do it by sequencing full-attention blocks. Anything less than full presence in each domain means consistently delivering the crumbs to the people who matter most.

CaveatsRequires actual deletion — not just reprioritization — of lower-value activities. Most people say they prioritize but don't subtract anything.

It's not by finding balance it's actually by mix. It's really important for entrepreneurs and people who are serious about progression to prioritize the things that are non-negotiable in their life and to edit and in some cases delete all together the things that really don't matter.

Also said

“You and I right now we don't have our phones on we don't have distractions we are just 100 dedicated to this conversation so that we can provide as much value to the people who would honor us with their time.”— The concrete behavioral expression of the principle: full presence in the current domain, no bleed from others.

Zones of genius mapping as a couples force-multiplier exercise

WhatBoth partners separately list: (1) the things they are naturally gifted at that the other is not, (2) their top current goals, and (3) their significant deficiencies or development gaps. Then share and cross-map: where can each person's genius support the other's goals? Where can each compensate for the other's deficiency?

WhenIntegrated into the annual goal-setting weekend; reviewed when embarking on a new shared venture or when one partner is taking on a major new challenge.

For whomEntrepreneurial couples or any couple with significant individual ambitions where collaboration could accelerate both.

WhyMost couples operate as two separate individuals who happen to share a household, rather than as a force-multiplying unit. The unit produces more than the sum of individuals only when each person's strengths are actively leveraged against the other's goals.

Understanding what your zones of Genius are, what your goals are, what your deficiencies are, knowing what your spouse's zones of genius, goals, deficiencies are and how to leverage them to work together — how do you go from having just two people in the relationship to having ten?

What's new

Personal practice updates, fresh positions, predictions

4 items

Urgency as a trainable disposition, not a personality trait

Schneider argues that the sense of urgency that drove his special-operations career — forged by repeated exposure to sudden death in law enforcement — can be taught to people who have never witnessed death. The lever is helping people see the gap between their actual and potential impact, not simulating trauma.

Why this matters: Most urgency frameworks rely on fear or deadline pressure. Schneider's clinical framing — urgency as a response to recognized unrealized potential — is more sustainable and applicable to anyone coaching high performers.

Background

Schneider's urgency disposition formed over a 10-year law enforcement career during which he regularly stood over people who had no idea that day was their last day. He describes the loop that message played in his mind as formative.

The practical application: Schneider works with coaching clients by first helping them see what they are actually capable of versus what they are producing — the gap itself creates the urgency without requiring near-death exposure. He ties this to the observation that many people carry an internal sense that they can do more, achieve more, give more — but they are not doing it. Naming that gap and holding it visible is the coaching intervention.

I developed a more and more and deeper sense of urgency to live and to accomplish more knowing just how fragile life is and that that has absolutely carried into my personality.

Also said

“I have found it to be the case to where you help people see what their true potential is a lot of people they have this sense within them that they can accomplish more that they are able to achieve more but yet they're not and that's very frustrating for a lot of people.”— The coaching translation: urgency is not installed through fear but by making visible the felt gap between potential and output.

Three nested relationships inside every marriage — not one

Schneider frames every marriage as three simultaneous relationships: your relationship with yourself, your spouse's relationship with themselves, and the relationship the two of you have with each other. Problems in the first two show up in the third. Most couples only work on the third.

Why this matters: Standard couples advice targets the shared relationship. Schneider's model says that's the downstream output of two self-relationships — fixing only the third without addressing the first two is treating a symptom.

Background

Schneider developed this framework through his own marriage and his work coaching entrepreneurial couples. He cites intimacy problems as a concrete example: a partner who holds deeply negative self-image will show that in the bedroom regardless of how much the couple works on 'communication.'

The model has a fourth element Schneider calls optional but common: the business as mistress. When an entrepreneur leaves everything on the playing field for clients, employees, and investors, whatever comes home is the crumbs. The spouse and children develop resentment not toward the entrepreneur personally but toward the business that gets the best version of them — even when the business is financially successful. The preventive intervention is explicit transition rituals: when you walk through the door, you are giving 100% to the family, not the business.

The first one is the relationship that you have with yourself. You have to have a very strong healthy relationship with yourself first if you're going to be able to give to others in a very strong and helpful way. You can't give what you don't have.

Also said

“The business could be the mistress and divorces happen a lot of times because of infidelity well sometimes that infidelity isn't another person sometimes that infidelity is the business.”— Reframes relationship competition — the threat to a marriage in an entrepreneurial household is often not another person but the business claiming 100% of the entrepreneur's best energy.

Asymmetric personal development is the quiet marriage killer

When one partner pursues active personal and professional development and the other does not, a growth gap forms. The growing partner finds new opportunity, new identity, new standards. The non-growing partner feels left behind, then resentful, then inadequate. Schneider argues this accounts for many divorces misattributed to infidelity or incompatibility.

Why this matters: Most couples counseling frames conflict as communication failure. Schneider's frame — different development trajectories as the root cause — has a different prevention implication: align development paths early, not just communication styles.

Schneider's prescription is shared development: the annual goal-setting weekend, Jiu Jitsu together, the couples retreat, even the Enneagram sessions — all are mechanisms to keep both partners growing on parallel tracks. When the gap closes (or never opens), the resentment loop never starts.

When one person goes on a journey of personal development and the other person does not... this Gap begins to be created and as that Gap widens one person is seeing New Opportunities and experiencing new and exciting things in their life and they're looking at the others and they're thinking man they're not doing their part. That's where problems start to occur.

Polarizing your environment: the covenant vs. the womb distinction

Schneider challenges the common misquotation 'blood is thicker than water' — the original saying is 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,' meaning chosen relationships of mutual commitment outweigh biological family ties. He uses this to argue for actively removing toxic relationships, even family, that obstruct goal achievement.

Why this matters: The commonly misquoted aphorism is used culturally to justify maintaining harmful family relationships. Schneider's correction gives people a counter-framework with direct practical implications for who they keep close.

Background

Schneider grew up in a household with constant upheaval — mother on her eighth marriage — and consciously chose to sever patterns and relationships that replicated that cycle.

The actual saying is the blood of the Covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. When I tell people about being polarizing even if they're family if they are bad for business and they are harming you achieving your goals for yourself your family your future they need to be pushed away.

Recommendations

Products, supplements, and tools mentioned in the episode

2 items

Enneagram personality assessment (with certified coach debrief)

Tool

Schneider and his wife Kristen used the Enneagram with a coach in both individual and joint sessions to understand each partner's conflict patterns, internal loops, and shadow behaviors — then translated those into real-time conflict navigation tools.

Schneider notes the free versions are useful starting points (he says he will link one in the show notes) but the value is in the coached debrief, not the assessment itself. The assessment tells you your type; the coach translates that into behavioral predictions specific to your relationship and conflict circumstances. Schneider describes the outcome as being able to 'give each other space, what what I need and what she needs when we're not seeing eye to eye.'

vs alternatives

Generic personality assessments (Myers-Briggs, DISC) describe style but do not map the stress and growth movement patterns that make the Enneagram useful for predicting conflict behavior. The coaching layer is what converts the assessment from a self-description into a relationship operating tool.

If you're never taking an Enneagram, highly highly recommend it.

Find Enneagram

Shared physical practice as a relationship anchor (Jiu Jitsu as the Schneider family example)

Practice

Schneider describes his entire family training Jiu Jitsu together for six to seven years — husband, wife, and son — as one of the primary mechanisms for shared experience and co-regulation. The shared physical challenge keeps development parallel rather than asymmetric.

The principle generalizes beyond Jiu Jitsu: the Schneiders also do gym sessions together, bike rides on matching e-bikes, and daily walks. The pattern is shared physical pursuit rather than parallel but separate fitness routines. The health pillar and the relationships pillar are served simultaneously by the same activity.

We all do it, we get up in the morning and we go, we go in the evening we go to the gym together.

Find Shared

Disclosed sponsorships1speaker disclosed

Executive coaching and mentorship (hire before you think you can afford it)

Practice Sponsored · disclosed

Schneider credits hiring his first coach at a time when he could not afford one as the inflection point that saved his first company, his marriage, and his financial trajectory simultaneously. He frames the cost of not hiring a coach as higher than the fee.

DisclosureSchneider is himself an executive coach — this recommendation comes from his personal experience and professional domain.

The specific shift the coach produced: Schneider moved from 'fake it till you make it' — projecting confidence while privately drowning — to authentic acknowledgment of what he didn't know and active learning. He describes this as moving from a closed system (ego protection) to an open system (CEO mindset with white belt mentality). His company turned around as a direct consequence. He sold it in 2019.

Hiring my first coach at a time when I could not afford a coach and a mentor — the cost of not doing it at that time was going to be my marriage, was going to be a financial bankruptcy.

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Notable quotes

Lines worth pulling out — contrarian, specific, or perfectly phrased

5 items

Discipline is a bridge between what it is that you have, what it is that you're experiencing, and what it is that you want. And in so many cases it's not a matter of a knowledge thing. It's not a knowledge problem, it's an action problem.

Schneider's single most compressed framework statement — eliminates the self-help default of seeking more information and redirects to behavior.

Our relationships are our riches.

Schneider's condensed articulation of his three-pillar hierarchy — relationships, not wealth, is the terminal value.

The actual saying is the blood of the Covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

Corrects one of the most frequently misused cultural aphorisms and reframes it as a license to choose your tribe over biological obligation when family is toxic.

We will always get the things we accept. So a lot of times it just becomes a matter of stop accepting the things that you no longer want.

Operational form of the self-determination principle — not motivational but procedural: identify what you're tolerating, stop tolerating it.

Have a CEO mindset with a white belt mentality. You're willing to ask questions when those questions arise and you're not expected to have all the answers.

Reconciles high ambition with learning humility — particularly valuable for high-performing personalities (like Enneagram 8s) who resist revealing gaps in knowledge.

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Topics covered

leadership-relationshipsattachment-theorydiscipline-mindsetentrepreneurshipcouples-communicationpersonal-developmentenneagramforce-multiplier-relationshipslaw-enforcement-backgroundurgency-mindsettoxic-relationshipswork-life-mixself-limiting-beliefsmarriage-longevityshared-physical-practicegoal-setting-ritualszones-of-genius

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Educational summary of the cited expert source — not medical advice. Open the source recording linked above and consult a qualified physician before acting on any protocol.