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Episode
Relationship Expert: The Hidden Health Costs of Unhealed Relationships
~281 min
Episode Brief·YouTube

Relationship Expert: The Hidden Health Costs of Unhealed Relationships

Mark Hyman
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TL;DR

The four things you'd lose by not watching

4 items

TL;DR

The four things you'd lose by not watching

4 items
1

Diego Perez (Young Pueblo) explains how Buddhist principles of attachment and impermanence can transform relationships by reducing control and fostering acceptance.

2

He shares a key practice of daily emotional check-ins with his partner, which reduced their arguments by 60-70% by fostering understanding and reducing reactive conflict.

3

The conversation emphasizes deep listening, pausing before reacting, and cultivating honesty and self-awareness as foundational to healthy relationships.

4

His book 'How to Love Better' serves as a practical guide to building kindness, compassion, and growth in intimate partnerships.

Protocols

Concrete recipes — what, when, how much, and why

6 items

Daily Emotional Check-In (Preventative Communication)

WhatShare your emotional state with your partner at least once in the morning and once in the afternoon, honestly and without judgment.
WhenMorning and afternoon, daily.
DoseA few minutes each time.
For whomAny couple wanting to reduce conflict and increase understanding.
WhyIt removes the unconscious tension that can fuel arguments, and allows partners to support each other.
CaveatsRequires both partners to be willing to be vulnerable and non-judgmental.

Diego explains that when we are unaware of our own emotional state, the mind will amplify tension and project it onto the partner. By sharing how we feel, we remove the ammunition for conflict. The partner can then give space or support. This practice alone decreased their arguments by 60-70%. He emphasizes that it's not a formal sit-down but a casual, honest sharing that takes only a few minutes. The key is that both partners become aware of each other's emotional landscape, which prevents the mind from creating unnecessary drama.

Mechanism

By making emotions conscious and shared, the mind no longer projects them onto the partner, reducing reactive conflict. The partner can adjust their behavior to support rather than exacerbate the tension.

Personal experience

Diego shares that he and his wife do this twice a day. He notes that when his wife tells him she's not feeling great, he thanks her for the information because it helps him know how to support her or give her space. This has transformed their relationship by removing the unconscious tension that used to fuel arguments.

That alone probably has decreased our arguments by maybe like 60 70%.

Also said
“We're just honest about it. So that the person who feels the heaviness, they admit it to themselves.”— Highlights the honesty and self-awareness aspect.
“I'm like, great, amazing. Thank you for giving me that information because now I know either to give you your space, to support you, whatever it is that you need.”— Shows how the partner's response fosters connection.

Pause and Breathe When Triggered

WhatWhen you feel impulsiveness or reactivity, pause and take a breath to see more options before reacting.
WhenWhenever you feel triggered or in conflict.
DoseA few breaths, as needed.
For whomAnyone struggling with reactivity in relationships.
WhyImpulsiveness is an illusion; it amplifies past patterns and doesn't create new outcomes. Pausing allows you to choose a response rather than react.
CaveatsRequires practice and self-awareness.

Diego explains that the mind's immediate reaction is often based on past wounds and survival instincts. By pausing and breathing, you can separate the thought from the emotion and action, allowing for a more measured response. He notes that impulsiveness feels like the real you, but it's an illusion. The breath is a key tool to anchor yourself and see more options than just the reactive 'red'.

Mechanism

The initial impulse is often survivalist and defensive, rooted in past conditioning. By pausing, you engage the prefrontal cortex instead of the amygdala, allowing for more thoughtful responses. The breath serves as an anchor to bring you back to your body and out of the reactive narrative.

Personal experience

Diego uses his breath as an anchor to bring himself back to his body and not get caught up in narratives. He shares that this practice helps him not just react but respond thoughtfully.

It feels lightning quick and it feels like your impulsiveness is the real you, but that's an absolute illusion.

Also said
“That impulsiveness won't create new outcomes for you. It'll just amplify whatever difficult outcome has happened from before.”— Explains why pausing is crucial.
“I'm not going to make a major decision right now. I can feel how my perspective is that I can't even see clearly.”— Shows the internal dialogue.

Deep Listening (Seek to Understand, Not Win)

WhatWhen in conflict, take turns listening selflessly to your partner's perspective without interrupting or planning your response. Aim to understand, not to win.
WhenDuring arguments or disagreements.
DoseAs long as needed; can be 20 minutes to an hour.
For whomAny couple in conflict.
WhyWhen both people seek to understand rather than win, the tension evaporates. It prevents resentment and builds connection.
CaveatsRequires emotional regulation and the ability to pause one's own narrative.

Diego explains that most people in arguments are already rehearsing their response. By instead listening fully and reflecting back what the partner says, you create understanding. He cites Thich Nhat Hanh: 'Love is understanding.' When both people take turns listening selflessly, they often find a bridge between them. He notes that often both partners contribute to the escalation, and when they both seek to understand, they find a bridge between them. This approach prevents the buildup of resentment that comes from one person yielding to the other.

Mechanism

By listening selflessly, you deactivate the defensive amygdala response and allow the partner to feel safe, which reduces conflict escalation. The act of reflecting back what the partner says creates understanding and dissolves tension.

Personal experience

Diego and his wife used to play the blame game, but after learning to listen selflessly, they now resolve conflicts more effectively. He notes that often both end up apologizing because both contributed to the escalation. He shares that he reminds himself that his partner is not his enemy, and that he can just fully listen without needing to defend his view.

When two people who are in an argument take the time to not win, but instead understand, the tension evaporates.

Also said
“Love is understanding.”— Quote from Thich Nhat Hanh that encapsulates the philosophy.
“I don't need to hang on to my view. I can just fully listen. I'm safe. I don't need to see her as my enemy.”— Shows the internal shift required for deep listening.

Practice 'Tell Me More' Instead of Debating

WhatWhen you hear something you disagree with, instead of debating or arguing, say 'Tell me more' and listen with genuine curiosity.
WhenWhenever you feel the impulse to debate or correct someone.
DoseAs needed.
For whomAnyone who tends to debate or argue.
WhyIt opens up learning and connection, and prevents the ego from dominating. It shifts from a win-lose dynamic to understanding.
CaveatsMust be done without condescension; genuine curiosity is key.

Diego explains that he used to love debating and thought his opinions were fixed. Over time, he realized that his opinions are ephemeral and subject to change. Now, whenever he feels the impulse to argue or correct someone, he instead says 'Tell me more' with genuine curiosity. This has opened up a lot of learning and helped him see that he doesn't know everything. He emphasizes doing this without condescension, as a way to understand how the other person arrived at their view.

Mechanism

By retraining the mind to respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness, you break the habit of reactivity and open to new perspectives. This reduces the ego's need to be right and fosters connection.

Personal experience

Diego says his favorite sentence in the past year has been 'Tell me more.' He uses it whenever he feels the reaction of disagreement. He shares that this practice has helped him realize that his opinions are not fixed and that he can learn from others.

Tell me more. Like, I'm genuinely curious like how did you get like how did this evolve?

Also said
“I don't want to debate. I'd rather discuss.”— Shows the shift in approach.
“My opinions are very ephemeral like they're very subject to change.”— Explains why he no longer clings to opinions.

Ask 'How Can I Support Your Happiness?'

WhatRegularly ask your partner how you can support their happiness, rather than assuming you know what they need.
WhenPeriodically, especially when your partner seems distressed or when you want to show care.
DoseAs needed.
For whomAny couple wanting to deepen their connection.
WhyPeople's needs change over time; asking directly ensures you are supporting them in the way they need, not the way you think they need.
CaveatsRequires genuine curiosity and a willingness to act on the answer.
Personal experience

Diego shares an example where his wife's needs changed over time. Two years ago, she wanted less travel; now she wants to join him. He realized he had been operating on old information and needed to check in again. This led to a moment of connection and understanding.

How can I support your happiness?

Take Space When Both Triggered

WhatIf both partners are triggered and unable to listen, take space and come back to the conversation later when calmer.
WhenDuring heated arguments when both are reactive.
DoseAs long as needed to cool off.
For whomAny couple who struggles with heated arguments.
WhyTrying to resolve an argument when both are in a reactive state often makes it worse. Taking space allows the nervous system to calm down.
CaveatsMust be communicated as a pause, not a withdrawal of love.
Personal experience

Diego shares that he and his wife used to escalate arguments, but now they let the argument take the time it needs. If they can't see clearly, they take a break and come back later. He notes that it's okay to not resolve everything immediately.

If we need to talk about it another day or hours later, fine, let's cool off.

What's new

Personal practice updates, fresh positions, predictions

5 items

Preventative Communication (Emotional Check-In)

Diego and his wife do a daily emotional check-in where they share how they feel, which reduced their arguments by 60-70%.

Why this matters: A simple, actionable practice that had a dramatic effect on conflict reduction.

Background

Most couples don't communicate their emotional state proactively, leading to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict.

Diego explains that when we are unaware of our own emotional state, the mind will amplify tension and project it onto the partner. By sharing how we feel, we remove the ammunition for conflict. The partner can then give space or support. This practice alone decreased their arguments by 60-70%. He emphasizes that it's not a formal sit-down but a casual, honest sharing that takes only a few minutes. The key is that both partners become aware of each other's emotional landscape, which prevents the mind from creating unnecessary drama.

Personal experience

Diego shares that he and his wife do this twice a day, morning and afternoon. He notes that when his wife tells him she's not feeling great, he thanks her for the information because it helps him know how to support her or give her space. This has transformed their relationship by removing the unconscious tension that used to fuel arguments.

That alone probably has decreased our arguments by maybe like 60 70%.

Also said
“We're just honest about it. So that the person who feels the heaviness, they admit it to themselves.”— Highlights the honesty and self-awareness aspect.
“I'm like, great, amazing. Thank you for giving me that information because now I know either to give you your space, to support you, whatever it is that you need.”— Shows how the partner's response fosters connection.

Love is Understanding

Diego emphasizes that love is fundamentally about understanding, and that arguments dissolve when both people seek to understand rather than win.

Why this matters: Reframes conflict resolution from winning to understanding, which is a paradigm shift for many.

Background

Most people enter arguments with the goal of being right, which creates resentment and distance.

Diego explains that when two people in an argument take the time to not win but instead understand, the tension evaporates. He cites Thich Nhat Hanh's quote: 'Love is understanding.' This requires deep listening and the compassion to see outside one's own perspective. He notes that often both partners contribute to the escalation, and when they both seek to understand, they find a bridge between them. This approach prevents the buildup of resentment that comes from one person yielding to the other.

Personal experience

Diego shares that in the first six years of his relationship, he and his wife played a blame game, each trying to win. After learning to listen selflessly, they now resolve conflicts more effectively. He notes that often both end up apologizing because both contributed to the escalation.

When two people who are in an argument take the time to not win, but instead understand, the tension evaporates.

Also said
“Love is understanding.”— The core philosophy from Thich Nhat Hanh.
“I don't need to hang on to my view. I can just fully listen. I'm safe. I don't need to see her as my enemy.”— Shows the internal shift required for deep listening.

Tell Me More Instead of Debating

Diego retrained himself to say 'Tell me more' when he feels the impulse to debate, fostering curiosity over conflict.

Why this matters: A simple phrase that shifts the dynamic from adversarial to collaborative.

Background

Diego used to love debating and clinging to his opinions, but realized this closed him off to learning.

Diego explains that he used to love debating and thought his opinions were fixed. Over time, he realized that his opinions are ephemeral and subject to change. Now, whenever he feels the impulse to argue or correct someone, he instead says 'Tell me more' with genuine curiosity. This has opened up a lot of learning and helped him see that he doesn't know everything. He emphasizes doing this without condescension, as a way to understand how the other person arrived at their view.

Personal experience

Diego says his favorite sentence in the past year has been 'Tell me more.' He uses it whenever he feels the reaction of disagreement. He shares that this practice has helped him realize that his opinions are not fixed and that he can learn from others.

Tell me more. Like, I'm genuinely curious like how did you get like how did this evolve?

Also said
“I don't want to debate. I'd rather discuss.”— Shows the shift in approach.
“My opinions are very ephemeral like they're very subject to change.”— Explains why he no longer clings to opinions.

Honesty as Foundation

Dishonesty creates distance between partners and within oneself, while honesty feeds connection and intimacy.

Why this matters: Reframes honesty not just as a moral imperative but as a practical tool for maintaining connection.

Background

Many people engage in small dishonesties or people-pleasing to avoid conflict, but this erodes relationships over time.

Diego explains that dishonesty creates distance between you and your partner, and between you and yourself. When you're dishonest, you're not appreciating your emotional history or wounds. Honesty, even about small things, feeds the connection. He emphasizes that honesty is an invitation to get closer together. Mark shares his own story of people-pleasing as a survival mechanism from childhood, which he realized was a form of lying that destroyed his relationships. He committed to 100% transparency, which transformed his ability to connect.

Personal experience

Mark shares that he grew up with a raging father and learned to people-please to avoid wrath. This led him to not say what was true for him in relationships, which was destructive. Diego adds that when you approach relationships from commitment rather than expectation, it's safer to be honest because you're both invested in each other's happiness.

Dishonesty creates distance. It creates distance between you and your partner. It creates distance between you and yourself.

Also said
“People pleasing sounds like a nice thing, but it's actually a lie. It's a flat-out lie.”— Mark's insight on his own pattern.

Emotional Maturity as a Skill Set

Emotional maturity is not a single trait but a set of skills including self-awareness, listening, letting go, and seeing other perspectives.

Why this matters: Demystifies emotional maturity and makes it actionable.

Background

Many people think emotional maturity is an innate trait, but it can be cultivated.

Emotional maturity is actually like a large set of skills. It's not like one thing, but it's a word that shows that you can listen, that you can let go, that you have self-awareness, that you can see other perspectives outside of your own.

Disclosed sponsorships1speaker disclosed

How to Love Better

Book Sponsored · disclosed

The book is a deeper course on how to love, covering kindness, compassion, growth, and emotional maturity in relationships. It integrates Buddhist principles and meditation practices.

DisclosureDiego Perez is the author of this book.

Mark Hyman praises the book as a roadmap for thinking about relationships, and notes that it's an encyclopedia version of Diego's previous work. Diego explains that the book aims to help people practice unconditional love in their relationships by being aware of attachments and cultivating understanding. The book covers topics like the three qualities (kindness, compassion, growth), preventative communication, and emotional maturity.

vs alternatives

Compared to other relationship books, this one integrates Buddhist principles and meditation practices, offering a spiritual dimension to practical relationship advice.

Personal experience

Mark shares that Diego's previous work helped him through dark periods, and this book continues that wisdom. Diego shares that the book is based on his own journey and his relationship with his wife.

This is the encyclopedia version, but don't worry, it's not that thick.

Also said
“How to love better, the implication there is how do you have a better way to love that lets you be free and happy.”— Summarizes the book's aim.
Find How

Notable quotes

Lines worth pulling out — contrarian, specific, or perfectly phrased

6 items
You can either be right or in a relationship.
A concise, memorable framing of the choice between ego and connection.
Love is understanding.
A profound and simple definition of love from Thich Nhat Hanh, used as a guiding principle.
It feels lightning quick and it feels like your impulsiveness is the real you, but that's an absolute illusion.
Challenges the common belief that our immediate reactions are our true selves.
Dishonesty creates distance. It creates distance between you and your partner. It creates distance between you and yourself.
A powerful statement on the corrosive effect of dishonesty, even in small things.
When two people who are in an argument take the time to not win, but instead understand, the tension evaporates.
Summarizes the core conflict-resolution philosophy of the episode.
Tell me more.
A simple, actionable phrase that shifts from debate to curiosity.

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Topics covered

attachmentimpermanencemeditationemotional-check-indeep-listeninghonestyself-loveemotional-maturityconflict-resolutionbuddhismrelationshipshealingcommunicationcuriosityacceptancepeople-pleasingcompassiongrowthkindnesspreventative-communication
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